Jayfeather,Thunderclan

[Sparkles]

Name: Jayfeather
Moons: 24 moons
Picture (Optional):

Gender: Tom
Clan: ThunderClan
Rank: Warrior
Description:

Jayfeather is a black cat with silver around his neck. Also he has icy blue eyes. He is very strong, and fierce in battle! Also sharp claws that are also good in battle!
When Jayfeather is happy and caring his ice blue eyes look calm.But when there's a fight his eyes look fierce! He is tough, but all toms are like that! Also very handsome! He has a unique coat that's why Sparklefur picked him.
His fur is black like the night sky. His eyes are ice blue like the river in Leaf-bare. His body is very muscular and strong like any tom cat.His claws are sharp and good in battles, that make him a big help to Thunderclan.Also his whiskers are mostly they are up high!

Personality:

Jayfeather is a very loyal tom cat, he would die to save his Clan. He is sweet and kind,especaily for his mate, Sparklefur. Also he is patient and he lets others go first for the fresh kill pile.
He could be shy sometimes. Also he can be scared, but thats when he's scared one of his clanmates will die. He is fierce in battle. Also he is brave! He will never turn his back on his clan.
He is loyal to his clan.He will always protect his clan. Even though it might cost him his life. But he's okay with that. Just as he knows it was loyal, and the clan will honor him. He is very loving to his friends and family. He is caring to Sparklefur. He promised he will always take care of Sparklefur. He is Honest, never once did he tell a lie. He is proud and clever he's very good with battle plans. He does very good deeds that help his clan and clanmates. He has many good qualities which made Sparklefur take notice of him.

History:

Jaykit: Jaykit was born close to Sunningrocks. He Father,Blackclaw died to protect him.From a mean dog! He didn't get to see his father, but he knows he will watch him forever. He was sad when he heard his father was dead. He was 3 moons old. He had to live with his mother,GrayFlower. His mother always told him that his father was watching him from Starclan. But one day,he was so sad, that he ran away!
He was out in the forest for 3 moons. Then Blackclaw came to him in a dream! And told him to he had to go back and be a warrior! When he got back everyone was happy. Autumstar even anouced it at the gathering. His return and his new apprentice name. Jaypaw!
Jaypaw: He was very strong and when the asiment came he came he passed and became a warrior! JayFeather!
Jayfeather:Lots of battles had past and he become a true warrior! He was happy! Until.... his mother died.
BOM! BOM! BOOM! He was so sad! Grayflower died of Greencough. Sparklefur comforted him. And they became mates!
Now: Jayfeather's mate, Sparklefur had two kits. He is proud to be a father. He will protect Sparklefur and the kits with his life.

Other:

Sparklefur is his mate, [picture] he has blue eyes not amber

[Sparkles]

Yeah! I worked 6 hours on it! So you better accepted it!

[*Nimbles*]

Six hours on this? I'm not trying to be rude but lies do not dwell well on me... A gorilla could have written this in six hours.
Did you actually read what was supposed to go into this bio form? When you modify it, read what's needed. It's on the right of the form. Oh and paragraphs are amazing. Use them. Bullets points look messy.

For example;
Jayfeather is a very loyal tom cat, he would die to save his Clan. He has many good qualities which made Sparklefur take notice of him until at last, they finally became mates.

See, keep it simple, and that only took thirty seconds.
You have until the 10th of May to improve this before its deleted.

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[Sparkles]

Thanks, I was almost done but but I hit a button ( the delete button) and it deleted it. So I had to do it all over him. And I was rushing, so thats why its slopy^^

[Sparkles]

Oops!^^ I typed "him" instead "again"^^

[Sparkles]

how's this?

[*Nimbles*]

Sparkles you need to work on your description of Jayfeather.
You need to write it in third person. You did this, but then ruined it by saying 'I see why Sparklefur picked him.'
You really shouldn't make jokes in the biographies, anywhere else though : )

Almost there. You've improved a lot though!

[Sparkles]

ok! ^^

[*Nimbles*]

Just proof read it and add a few more lines, then it will be accepted L:

[Sparkles]

ok, what about my other cats?